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Ah November. You have returned.

I woke up this morning with a dullness in my heart that I normally don't have in the morning.
On my mornings allocated to sleep in I resemble a sloth blissfully unaware of life in a cocoon, but on a normal morning I wake up with a bit of a bounce. I start my day with a bit of shower time karaoke. I dance around the bedroom as I get dressed for the day. I have a great time. ( Jeez, as I write this I suddenly appreciate Stuart's morning patience a little bit more! Ha!)  Anyway, the point being, despite a very early bed time last night I woke up a wee bit deflated.
Image may contain: Louise O'Dwyer, sitting, child and indoor
Then I remembered  that my old nemesis November has returned.
I did a quick calculation. Marguerite would be 32 next week.
32! Being 32 was one of my favourite times.
Another quick calculation, Marguerite will be gone 15 years this month. 15 years. 2 more years and she will be gone as long as she was with us.
Every November is a little bit easier than the last. Of course it is. Time is a wonderful healer.
But every calculation morning is horrible.
It is not that I don't think about Marguerite through out the year. I do.
Just, as a wee thought at the back of my head.
When we got engaged I missed her.
I had a good cry at that time.
To be fair, I had also found out that I had Advanced Chronic Kidney Disease at that time too and crying was something that was coming to me a little more easily than usual but I didImage may contain: 2 people, including Louise O'Dwyer, people smiling, beard and close-up, I cried.
I cried when I chose my bridesmaids.
I have the best bunch of ladies to help me out with the day.
Genuinely the best.
Most of them I see as a sister rather than a friend.
I couldn't help but think of Mags.
We had 3 weddings in the last two months.
For two of them, the brides had their sisters as maid of honour.
These things don't upset me. But I do notice.
I do have a wee pang of jealousy.
And then I feel horrible for  it.
Marguerite has been gone for 15 years.
Surely these little pangs or moments should start to wind down.
But they don't.
It is November, when she comes to the fore of my mind.
I over think. I think about her.
I will miss her a lot over the next four weeks.

I just realised that I never published what I wrote about our engagement!
WE GOT ENGAGED!! IN JUNE!!

We were at home, in our comfy clothes. Stuart had unknowingly toothpaste on his face.
It was perfect.
I am currently trying to convince him that we would be wonderful as the O'Watkins…. he is not playing ball with that one...
The wedding is planned for 2021 and I am so utterly excited.


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