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Missing Marguerite. 14 years later.

On this day, 14 years ago, the world lost a little bit of its magic, when at 11pm, my little sister took her final breath and life changed as we all knew it. She was only 17 years old. 17 years and 19 days to be exact. As I sat here today reading all the lovely messages written about her, my heart soared with pride in the fact that in her short time with us, she managed to have such a big impact on so many people. Marguerite Mary O'Dwyer, an ambassador for mischief, mockery and for having a marvellous time. I miss her so much.

It is funny how every year there is something different that I focus on for the anniversary. I never choose my train of thought, I think the year since the last anniversary chooses it for me. Last night, I got fairly plastered on wine and when my other half went to his bed, I sat and sang along to every sad song I could think of. I had a wee chat with Mags before I went to bed and woke up this morning well rested and ready to seize the day. 

I got quite sad around lunch time. This could be partly due to the fact that I ordered KFC for lunch and had serious guilt about the indulgence, but it was mostly when I looked up at a photo of Evie, Stuart's niece. We have some photos of the wee munchkin dotted around the flat, and one photo shares a bookcase with a framed photo of Marguerite. As my eyes drew to both photos, I had a thought. If Marguerite were still alive I might be an auntie by now. I am Auntie Lou to Evie, and I love that child with all of my heart but she is Stuart's niece, a fact I was very much reminded of a couple of months ago. It really cut me up today that I will never have that relationship. My immediate family is me and my Dad. It is a decision I have made and a decision I am very happy with. Stuart is part of my family too of course and I hope that in years to come there will be a couple of more members to that family.
It saddens me greatly that I will never have a wee niece or nephew of my own. I feel so much love for Evie, I can't even imagine what it must feel like when your sibling has a child. How does your heart not explode with love and joy?

Someday, I hope that I will be lucky enough to have some children of my own. One thing that I know is that those children will grow up knowing all about their Auntie Marguerite. I will want them to love her the way she would have loved them.   

Every cloud has a silver lining and to finish I am going to share this lining through some thankfuls

1. I am thankful for all the people who share stories about the shenanigans of Mags. I have heard most of them by now but sometimes a new one crops up and it cracks me up.
2. I am grateful for all the love and support that I receive in November. No matter how lonely days can be I never feel alone. That is a lovely thing.
3. I am thankful for the photos. Never stop taking photos. Ever. They have given me so much joy over the last 14 years. 
4. I am thankful for Stuart. He really tries to do  his best by me and protect me from the harshness of this world. 
5. I am thankful for my friends who are just fab. I know there is always someone at the end of the phone or free for a coffee when I need it.
6. I am thankful for wine. Whoever decided to jump up and down on some grapes and then drink the fermented juice was a genius. 
7. I am thankful for my Da. My world would be a lot less loving without him.
8. I am thankful for the fact that I have started to blog again. A lot of people have asked me to but I just couldn't find it in my to start up. I am now brimming with ideas and look forward to keeping the life of Lu alive for a while longer
9. I am thankful that Black Friday is over for another year. God that is a rough one for retailers.
10. I am thankful that I have cheese in the fridge because I really love cheese. Like, really love cheese.

Love, Lu x


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