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Tis the season of the 30s

It has been a little while since I've blogged. Not for any particular reason other than I have been stupidly busy with life and work. Those of you who read my blog regularly had the joy of having to witness me going through a roller coaster few months. The good news is that the roller coaster has stopped, I have survived the ride and I am looking forward to stepping on to the next few fairground attractions! Thank you to everyone who propped me up and supported me along the way!

Hallmark 30th Birthday Card For Sister 'Hope It's Amazing' - MediumWe are getting into the difficult time of the year now. November. Ugh, how I hate November with a passion. The only positive is that my job is so busy it keeps me distracted from all the tough days and the month moves faster than any other month of the year.

This year, the November lull has arrived in mid-October. Two of my friends turn 30 at the start of November. My little sister should be turning 30 in early November also. Today I was ordering cards and getting together their gifts for their birthdays and as I scrolled through the website a number of cards for sister turning 30 popped up. It ripped my heart out just a little bit.

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I sat with a refilling cup of tea for about two hours and looked through some old family photos. I had a little cry. It was a great little cry if I am honest, it has been a while since I have sat and thought about Marguerite. I looked at all the photos of us as children, playing the various games we made up, throwing snow at each other in the back yard, Marguerite doing my hair to make me look presentable... so many happy and truly wonderful memories came flooding back.

It is so difficult to believe that it has been nearly 13 years since we last heard her laugh her ridiculously infectious laugh, or we heard her imitate a teacher/boy/famous person. I had a startling thought too. I recently bought a five year 'line a day' journal. By the time I finish it, Marguerite will have been gone from us longer than she was with us. Isn't that an insane thought? Where has all that time gone? The first 17 years seemed to last a lot longer than the last 13.

Image may contain: 1 person, indoor and close-upI recently started seeing a lovely man, and his brother turned 30 two weeks ago. Their family went out for a meal to celebrate. We were messaging over the evening and I had the thought then too... what would the world look like if Marguerite was here for her 30th? Would we have had a family dinner to celebrate? I would assume we would have been having a weekend break in Milan or somewhere if I am perfectly honest, but I am curious as to what the dynamic would have been. Would Paddy and I be as close as we are now? What would my brother and sister be doing with their lives? Would my mother have attended? She didn't attend my 30th but would she have attended Marguerite's? Would I have had nieces and nephews sitting around the table with us?

These questions are torture because I can never know the answers. I can only dream of what could have been which is an awful dream to have. Thankfully, the only time I think of the questions is when a big date like her 30th looms.

I am quite lucky this year, I am being brought away the weekend of her 30th for a bit of spoiling. It means that I am genuinely looking forward to that weekend. Her anniversary is at the end of November, and as always I am off that day too. This year, I think I will go for a hill walk somewhere and immerse myself in Mother Nature rather than wallow in self pity. 

This year, I plan to raise a glass to my wee sister. A sneaky wee Margarita and a cheesy night of dancing and fun. As sad as it makes me to celebrate her birthday without her, her birthday is the perfect time to remember what a truly wonderful soul she was. It is the perfect time to be grateful for all the memories we were able to make in our 17 years together. It is also the time of the year that reminds me that the horrors of my past have not made me an emotional wench. I feel, laugh and cry as I remember Mags. I look at flowers and think 'Il y a beaucoup de fleurs' and most of all, I am reminded how truly loved I am by all the support I get from my family and friends.

I will finish this blog with the song that reminds me of my darling little sister more than any other...

Goodnight, everyone

Lu xx


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