This week has been a roller coaster of a week.
Not only that, we got to see Foy Vance (eeek!)
We hit Edinburgh for a couple of days,
met up with more pals (including an unexpected surprise) and I even got a twirl from my favourite twirling partner in my favourite twirling establishment. True story.
I will write a blog about our shenanigans over the next few days, today's blog is about all the other stuff.
I read a short story during the week about three old men called Love, Wealth and Success.
It was one of those stories that advises you to choose love over everything and then you will invite the rest into to your home. Invite one of the other ones and you get only that.
Well, after yet another disastrous attempt at dating (seriously, considering asking for feedback going forward... just hand over an evaluation sheet and a stamped addressed envelope at the end of a date... ) the story struck a chord with me. In my efforts to prove that I don't need anyone else, have I completely rejected love from my life? Those who know me know that my career comes first. I am in Aberdeen only for my job. As soon as a potential kissing friend gets too intense, I hyperventilate, panic and turn on my stupid button. As soon as I think that there is potential for a real relationship I seem to just sabotage it. What is this self destruct button that I am so fond of pressing?!
Those of you who follow my blog know exactly where this is coming from.
I have built a world that is solely dependent on me, and I am hungry for that success.
In fact, it is the need to do well that drives me.
I don't want my dad to ever feel that he has to worry about me.
I want him to know that I am doing ok.
I have had the broken heart, the long relationship, the maternal issues.
I am tired of getting hurt by those who are supposed to support me.
I have have literally turned my back on love in my life!
It is the first time that I have felt such longing for the Emerald Isle.
I have not laughed so much or so hard in a long long time.
As I got the train back to Aberdeen, I realised that it isn't Ireland that I miss
It is the friendships and the shenanigans
I was speaking to my pal Iain today, and he told me -yet again-
that I need to get the wheels in motion with leaving Aberdeen.
He feels my heart is still hiding in Edinburgh.
I don't know where it is, but I know where it is not.
In a way he is right, but I am in the middle of something exciting right now with work.
I want to give myself a year to see it through. Well, at least another Christmas.
He also told me that the relationship I am looking for does not exist in modern life
I just want honesty, an easy existence, for things not to have a label on them immediately.
Quite difficult in a world where people seem to want to shag pal or an immediate wife.
I don't like to play games. I just want to know where I stand. Apparently very off putting. Oh well.
This morning I decided to read some poetry, as I find it very relaxing.
I happened upon one of my favourite poems and had a read...
The Road Not Taken
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveler, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth; Then took the other, as just as fair, And having perhaps the better claim, Because it was grassy and wanted wear; Though as for that the passing there Had worn them really about the same, And both that morning equally lay In leaves no step had trodden black. Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back. I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.
I read this poem and it actually made me feel better.
So what if I haven't chosen to settle down?
So what if I have chosen my job over love?
Somewhere in an alternative reality Lou has done that.
I bet you somewhere in an alternative reality, that Lou is writing about how she should have chosen success.
I took the road less travelled.
It went a bit further north than anticipated.
Along the way I have met some wonderful people
I have heard some amazing stories
I do not regret a single thing that I have done
(other than a few drunk texts and poorly chosen jokes)
I need to stop putting pressure on myself to have it all.
I have a wonderful summer planned.
I am nearly finished the list which I will tab on here so I can cross it off as it gets done.
I will continue to be wary of giving someone my heart.
It is still fragile and needs to be earned.
I will continue my plans to take over the world
Following on to my feedback idea, I think I will also post the following...
this morning these two poems seem to represent the Lu of May 2017
Aedh Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven
Had I the heavens’ embroidered cloths, Enwrought with golden and silver light, The blue and the dim and the dark cloths Of night and light and the half light, I would spread the cloths under your feet: But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.