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Birthday thoughts

Today is my brother's birthday.
31 today! Imagine. My baby brother is 31 years of age.
It is frightening. I am only 15 months older but it feels like a lifetime sometimes.
Happy birthday Patrick, I hope you have a day of joy and happiness as everyone deserves on their birthday.
My cousin's 10 year anniversary was on the 1st of July
That wedding feels like only a handful of years ago.
Congratulations Tracy and David! It was that day that created not only a wonderful marriage, but the O'Dwyer tradition that is the shoe dance!

The birthday and the anniversary made me thing of days gone by, today.
How much can happen in a relatively short space of time.
I thought about birthdays when we were kids.
My birthdays throughout my twenties which were simply superb
So full of love and thoughtfulness.
I remembered the horror that was my 30th.
Full of flu and feeling very alone when I came home after a lovely day in Glasgow with Margaret and her adorable children.
 My mother refusing to tell her family (my family!) that there was a party for me in Ireland and only finding out about the lies the week of the party, when she said they were refusing to come. It is probably the most hurtful thing anyone has ever done to me in my life. It was however a feckin' AMAZING party! I am sure I have told you all already about my Uncle Liam's attempts to set me up with local farmers, and the musician my dad had in the bar playing 'none of that rock shite you listen to' on the casio keyboard! My Da did himself proud that night, and it will be one of my happiest memories, even with the bittersweet edge.

As I was saying, I thought about how much that can happen in a relatively short space of time.
In the past week, I have put a holding fee down on a wee flat of my own. Renting, but just little old me living in the quarters. I am falling more and more in love with my job every day that I am working and gaining more and more confidence in the way of my new employer. I have no regrets in that regard. It is a great job. I love it. Genuinely.
Then I had a thought.
I haven't really given Aberdeen a proper chance.
I have allowed my heart to wallow in Glasgow.
I have lived in the thoughts of 'one day', 'some day'.
And you know what, perhaps 'someday' I will end up there
but right now I am here.
And I need to live in the present.
I need to allow Aberdeen into my heart
I need to let Aberdeen be my home.

I saw a photo the other day that upset me greatly.
It was a current photo but with a lot of links to my past.
I was very surprised my reaction.
I thought I was over it.
It turns out, I have not reached closure everywhere I thought I had.
Quite a disconcerting discovery to make about oneself, let me assure you.
There were some positives from that photograph.
It made me think very much about what I am writing about now.
About embracing my future and letting go of my past.
Of embracing Aberdeen and stop looking back at what could have been.
It has been a recurring theme this week.
I have had a couple of difficult conversations this past week with some friends about my reluctance to let go of my past. About the blind loyalty I have to people, who don't return the same sentiment.
The conversations were independent of each other.
They annoyed me.
The conversations were very similar in content
That annoyed me.
The most annoying part of it all, is that these are repeat conversations.
I really should know better.

Yesterday, I toyed with the idea of removing myself from social media entirely.
I still am not totally decided but I felt I would miss the contact with Ireland if I did that.
Then I thought about just disappearing into the wilderness and starting again (those of you who know me well will appreciate that this idea took lead for quite a while!)
Then I thought, no.
NO.
Enjoy yourself.
Enjoy Aberdeen.
Integrate.
Forget about the plans of the past.
Look towards the future.
Who knows who or what is ahead of me.
I just have to allow myself to get closer to them.

I look at the life my brother has made for himself and I admire him.
I admire his resilience.
I admire his determination.
I am happy that he has the tenacity to rebuild his life as he has.
I look at my life and the molehills that I have made mountains in comparision.
It is a humbling thought.

I guess my lesson today,
On this my brother's 31st birthday,
is to make every year count.
Plan where you are going to be for your next birthday and learn from your birthdays past.

On this note, I shall bid you goodnight and farewell.

Lu x

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