Skip to main content

Has it really been 11 years???

Tomorrow is the 11th anniversary of Marguerite's death.
11 years. 
Eleven years.
It doesn't matter how I write it. It doesn't seem right.
I lost my little sister 11 years years ago. 
11 years ago my little sister was stolen from this world.


It has been 11 years since I got to hear her dirty wee laugh.
Eleven years since I heard her utter 'il y a beaucoup de fleurs'
Eleven years since she announced that her drink was a vodka and orange and 'go easy on the orange'.
How can it be that long? Sometimes it feels as though it were just yesterday. 
Sometimes it feels as though it was all a dream.
Sometimes it just doesn't let me feel.
I guess death is a little funny like that.


When I was moving to Aberdeen I found a letter that I wrote to Marguerite as she lay in her casket.
I made her promises.
I promised her so much.
It has been 11 years and pretty much most of those promises have been left unfulfilled.
Some of the promises were a wee bit ridiculous.
Image result for promises quotes
I promised her that I would go to all the places she listed in an essay she wrote.
I have since lost that essay/it was taken, but I remember at the time thinking that some of the places were a bit naff!
I promised I would try and wear pink for all the major events in my life so I could remember her.
Do you know how difficult it is to match pink when you are a red-head? 

The promises that really stuck out at me were about lifestyle. 
I promised to always follow my heart.
Instead, I closed it.
It is easier that way, less to break, less to lose.
I promised to always follow my dreams.
Instead, I tried to be sensible.
I stopped writing. I should never stop writing. It heals my wounds.
I promised to always remember the goodness in my days before I went to sleep.
Instead, I have let myself get wound up about ridiculous things.
I find myself tonight questioning a lot of my decisions.
It is as though I forget just how fragile life can be.

I am feeling particularly lonesome this year.
Last year, I spent the anniversary with my wonderful Glaswegian boys and with my pal Craig.
This year, I am going into work for a couple of hours and then maybe hitting the promenade by the beach. It is cold, but it will be brisk. 
I might go to the cinema. See a few films. I don't know. 
But I will miss the hugs. Especially from my Weegies. 
It is the first hug-less anniversary in eleven years. 
That makes me rather sad.
Image result for hugs
I spoke with my Aunt Vera tonight for over an hour. 
I adore our chats, she cares so much about my well being.


She makes the insanity feel sane sometimes and has a wonderful ability to make me see light when I feel I am surrounded by gloom.
She gives me prep talks and tonight's one was particularly superb.
She told me that despite the negative influences in my life to date, I should be proud of myself.
I should never feel bad about myself or my decisions. She was rather insistent, and then told me about my care parcel she is preparing for me for Christmas (tayto, tayto everywhere!)

I thought about our conversation.
I thought about the last eleven years.
Perhaps I didn't keep my promises.
Perhaps I didn't do all the things that I have said I would do.
But I did many other things.

I built a life for myself that is full of friends, and self-appointed family.
I smile every day.
I try to help where I can.
I try not to judge.

There is one thing that I am taking away from me this anniversary year.
If my sister were here, and she saw me where I am,


She would tell me I am vain for having this blog.
She would tell me that I am shit at putting on makeup
She would give me the hug that I am so bitterly craving.
She would laugh and my ridiculousness and tell me that it is fine, at least there is one good sister.
And that for me, is better than filling any promise once foolishly made.
Promise.

Image result for sisters

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Let's talk about mental health

I must admit I am a little bit nervous about writing this blog today.
I am afraid that I will get a little too emotional when writing about a topic that is very close to my heart.
I will apologise now for if I ramble or get lost in a stream of consciousness. I hope you can make sense of what I am about to write.

This week, another life was lost to the tragedy that is suicide. I should correct myself, a famous life was lost to suicide. I have no doubt that this week, many families around the world are grieving and trying to figure out why one of their own has taken their own life.

The reason that I want to write this post is simply down to the number of horrible and ignorant comments that I have read on social media about Chester Bennington's death. For me, it highlighted the lack of understanding of mental health in this day and age.

I'm going to take you back on a wee journey with me and tell you why this is such a personal topic and why I feel that it needs to be spoken abou…

Life of Lu - thankfuls 10/09/2017

Today is the first official day of my holidays from work, and truth be told they couldn't come at a better time. I am tired, exhausted even and full of doubt about what my future holds for a number of reasons. So, I thought to myself, what a perfect time to write a list of thankfuls to remind me of all the truly wonderful things I have in my life.

1. I am thankful for my team at work. I have a store team of about 50 and a management team of 6. I don't particularly enjoy talking about work online, as it isn't really appropriate but I am so thankful for my team. Every day they are a fountain of support, and their enthusiasm never ceases to amaze me. They are my reason for going to work every day, and I count my lucky stars that I have been given the team that I have. They make the tough days better and the good days great.

2. I am thankful for my Cambridge Consultant, Claire. 4 weeks ago I started on a rather scary journey of self improvement. I found Claire, spoke to her ab…

Moving on.

I realised something the other day. That is not nearly specific enough or dramatic enough for this story. Let me start again...
I had a startling realisation the other day. I think Scotland and I are starting to go our separate ways (and I am not talking about Brexit) I was in Glasgow a few weeks ago, and I went on a tourist bus tour. I actually went on it twice, and I loved it. I got to see all the attractions I have wanted to see over the years: The Cathedral, the Necropolis, The Transport Museum, The People's Palace. It was very similar to something I did just before I left Edinburgh, my own little way of saying goodbye. When I got on the train home, I realised that in my own wee way, I was saying goodbye to Glasgow. Other than a course there on the 11th of May, I have no idea when I am going to be there next. I have no gigs booked, my upcoming flights to Ireland are all from Edinburgh.  I feel rather sad that my attachment to Glasgow has severed. In my head it was where I would…