Skip to main content

Has it really been 11 years???

Tomorrow is the 11th anniversary of Marguerite's death.
11 years. 
Eleven years.
It doesn't matter how I write it. It doesn't seem right.
I lost my little sister 11 years years ago. 
11 years ago my little sister was stolen from this world.


It has been 11 years since I got to hear her dirty wee laugh.
Eleven years since I heard her utter 'il y a beaucoup de fleurs'
Eleven years since she announced that her drink was a vodka and orange and 'go easy on the orange'.
How can it be that long? Sometimes it feels as though it were just yesterday. 
Sometimes it feels as though it was all a dream.
Sometimes it just doesn't let me feel.
I guess death is a little funny like that.


When I was moving to Aberdeen I found a letter that I wrote to Marguerite as she lay in her casket.
I made her promises.
I promised her so much.
It has been 11 years and pretty much most of those promises have been left unfulfilled.
Some of the promises were a wee bit ridiculous.
Image result for promises quotes
I promised her that I would go to all the places she listed in an essay she wrote.
I have since lost that essay/it was taken, but I remember at the time thinking that some of the places were a bit naff!
I promised I would try and wear pink for all the major events in my life so I could remember her.
Do you know how difficult it is to match pink when you are a red-head? 

The promises that really stuck out at me were about lifestyle. 
I promised to always follow my heart.
Instead, I closed it.
It is easier that way, less to break, less to lose.
I promised to always follow my dreams.
Instead, I tried to be sensible.
I stopped writing. I should never stop writing. It heals my wounds.
I promised to always remember the goodness in my days before I went to sleep.
Instead, I have let myself get wound up about ridiculous things.
I find myself tonight questioning a lot of my decisions.
It is as though I forget just how fragile life can be.

I am feeling particularly lonesome this year.
Last year, I spent the anniversary with my wonderful Glaswegian boys and with my pal Craig.
This year, I am going into work for a couple of hours and then maybe hitting the promenade by the beach. It is cold, but it will be brisk. 
I might go to the cinema. See a few films. I don't know. 
But I will miss the hugs. Especially from my Weegies. 
It is the first hug-less anniversary in eleven years. 
That makes me rather sad.
Image result for hugs
I spoke with my Aunt Vera tonight for over an hour. 
I adore our chats, she cares so much about my well being.


She makes the insanity feel sane sometimes and has a wonderful ability to make me see light when I feel I am surrounded by gloom.
She gives me prep talks and tonight's one was particularly superb.
She told me that despite the negative influences in my life to date, I should be proud of myself.
I should never feel bad about myself or my decisions. She was rather insistent, and then told me about my care parcel she is preparing for me for Christmas (tayto, tayto everywhere!)

I thought about our conversation.
I thought about the last eleven years.
Perhaps I didn't keep my promises.
Perhaps I didn't do all the things that I have said I would do.
But I did many other things.

I built a life for myself that is full of friends, and self-appointed family.
I smile every day.
I try to help where I can.
I try not to judge.

There is one thing that I am taking away from me this anniversary year.
If my sister were here, and she saw me where I am,


She would tell me I am vain for having this blog.
She would tell me that I am shit at putting on makeup
She would give me the hug that I am so bitterly craving.
She would laugh and my ridiculousness and tell me that it is fine, at least there is one good sister.
And that for me, is better than filling any promise once foolishly made.
Promise.

Image result for sisters

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Missing Marguerite. 14 years later.

On this day, 14 years ago, the world lost a little bit of its magic, when at 11pm, my little sister took her final breath and life changed as we all knew it. She was only 17 years old. 17 years and 19 days to be exact. As I sat here today reading all the lovely messages written about her, my heart soared with pride in the fact that in her short time with us, she managed to have such a big impact on so many people. Marguerite Mary O'Dwyer, an ambassador for mischief, mockery and for having a marvellous time. I miss her so much.

It is funny how every year there is something different that I focus on for the anniversary. I never choose my train of thought, I think the year since the last anniversary chooses it for me. Last night, I got fairly plastered on wine and when my other half went to his bed, I sat and sang along to every sad song I could think of. I had a wee chat with Mags before I went to bed and woke up this morning well rested and ready to seize the day. 
I got quite sad a…

Day 2 - 20 facts about me

I always struggle with challenges such as these, where I have to give some facts about myself. Can I think of 20 things and if so will they be any good? Pressure! Well... here goes....

1. I love letters. Not bills and what not, I mean real, news filled letters. I have a handful of people whom I write to, and they write back in return. Alas, I am not very good at replying in a timely manner! I have had penpals since I was about 11 years old. Two of which were from Belarus. Their names were Tatiana and Irena. One of the highlights of their letters were the wee boxed stationery that they used to write on. I loved it so much.
2. I dislike sheep. Immensely.
3. I have 2 tattoos. One of a fairy, and one of a fox.
4. I love ducks and foxes. And Hairy Coos.
5. I think puns are severely underrated.
6. My favourite book is Jane Eyre.
7. My favourite author is more difficult... maybe Jasper Fforde... though the compilations of Irish tales by Sinead DeValera have a special place in my heart as do …

Farewell 2017! Farewell!

Where did 2017 go? Is it just me or did 2017 just fly by like a whirling dervish? Tomorrow we celebrate Hogmaney in all its glory and I can't wait. I am leaving 2017 on such a high, and I can't wait to see where 2018 takes me.
I got an email today from myself. It was an email I sent to myself 5 year ago via a website called www.futureme.org . You should go and have a look, it is a very peculiar thing to send your future self an email. Anyway, I digress. The email told me where I hoped to be five years ago. Some of it I have done, some of it I have not but what I found very interesting was how my perception of happiness and contentment have changed in the last five years. That got me thinking. It is amazing how much my perception of happiness and contentment have changed in the past year!

2017 was for me a year of growth and a year of self discovery.
I feel I found myself a lot this year. I found comfort in myself and a confidence in my capabilites.
It was a rollercoaster year …