The last couple of days have been a bit tough.
A person that I love with all my heart, was hurt by someone who should have known better.
What made it worse, was that this was the same person who sent me that horrid message two weeks ago.
Even though, I was not involved with the latter event, I felt a sense of guilt.
I felt that perhaps, had I responded to the hurtful person, perhaps I could have stopped all this.
Perhaps, if I continued to take the brunt of this persons anger, she would stop attacking all those that I care for. It used to be focused mainly on me and then I moved to Scotland and I got away from it all. I found it easier to ignore it. I found it easier to pull away. I stopped going to Ireland unless for a specific purpose. I thought it was over, until other people started getting the brunt of her venom.
For years, the attacker has used me as her own emotional punch bag. For years, she has told lies about me, written nasty letters to people using my name, she has sent me awful letters and emails where the sole intention was to hurt me, and make me feel bad about myself. And yet, I am portrayed as the bad one, because I walked away from the torment. I decided that I couldn't take it any more.I decided that I WOULDN'T take it any more. I was afraid every time my phone beeped or I got a message on Facebook that it would be her spitting hatred at me, using language designed only to evoke shame, anger and sadness, and then colouring it with a 'I will always love you' tucked in at the end. And her reasoning as to why I decided I wanted her out of my life? Because I have been brainwashed. How do you even respond to that?
I once told her how her messages made me feel. I told her that they upset me. I told her that her tone in one particular message made me cry. Her response? 'Then you need to get some serious help'. This from the person who once told me that she wished I had died instead of my sister! Thankfully, I have kept all these letters and emails for when I need to show what kind of character this person is. I have a hard copy and an online copy. I have also sent a copy to a confident for fear I lose the other. It consumed me that much.
But something happened today. I came home, drained and tired. There was an email for me, telling me to look up narcissism, to look up victims of a narcissistic person. I did. I was astounded. For years I have wondered what did I do wrong. Why was the one who was singled out. Why was I the one constantly blamed for everything that is wrong with the world. Then I started reading all these stories. Experiences so similar to mine. Some nearly identical. The language used, the mind games played. And today, for the first time in a long, long time, I felt that perhaps, this isn't my fault. Perhaps, this isn't a reflection on me. Don't get me wrong. I have known for years that I wasn't to blame, but I have always felt it that some of it must lie with me. Not today.
Today, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I no longer want any communication with this woman. I no longer want the fear of what she is going to do next. Today, I drew a line in the sand and realised that she needs to stop influencing my life. I am surrounded by so much love on a daily basis, why do I allow her hatred to cloud it.
I know this is a very personal share, and I apologise if it has made you uncomfortable reading it. But today, I decided that I was done hiding from it all. I was done hiding her nasty side. I was done pretending that all is well, when it hasn't been for many years. One person's behaviours have affected my adult life more than I care to admit. My eyes were opened to that today. All I can say is onwards, and upwards. What is done is done, and now it is time to learn what it means to be worry free Lou. I can't wait. I think I'll rather like her.