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Life of Lu 14/06/11

-This has been a very intense week for me.
James is doing his Leaving Cert (End of High School Exams) and I'm finding it quite hard having my boyfriend revert to a tantrum throwing adolescent. He has gotten better and has stopped throwing things at the wall but he is getting wound up easily and I've had very little sleep as I've been giving him study sessions at both end of the proverbial candle. I am exhausted. More so than when I did my own Leaving Cert I reckon. Then again I didn't have a full time job back then. Thankfully.

-Not only have James' exams left me pulling my hair out in massive clumps it has gotten me thinking about a lot of things. Since I've known James he has spoken about how he wanted to finish High School. And in a few days time he will have succeeded in achieving a long-term goal of his. I am so proud. But I'm also thinking about all the things that I would like to achieve. I should rephrase that I am over analysing everything in my life and coming up with ridiculous theories about ridiculous things.

- Like religion. I know it is taboo to discuss ones beliefs on a public forum but my name is on the header, I can say what I want, don't read it if you don't want to. I don't consider myself to have a religion. I will be honest. I was raised a Catholic, I've done the bulk of the ceremonies but I am not a practising Catholic nor do I  intend to be one. Considering I have a beautiful little godson this is probably quite alarming to those who follow the faith but I see myself as someone who my godson will be able to rely on no matter what. When he is old enough to need someone to chat to I would like him to know that I am there for him. Neither of my godparents were religious roles in my life but both have been pillars of strength when I needed them most. I think that is what is important.
But I am rambling.
 I firmly believe that it is not about what faith you follow but how you live your life that matters. It is about showing kindness, not judging others, accepting people for who they are irrespective of what their histories are made up of. If, when I die (which is the only certainty in this whole ramble), I arrive at pearly gates I am not going to feel ashamed of how I have lived my life. I will rejoice in the fact that I took the time to watch sunsets. I took the time to stop and smell flowers. I took the time to buy the homeless man a cup of soup or a coffee when he asked me to. I took the time to listen to birds sing in the trees or to listen to a friend with a problem even when I had plenty of my own. There is so much focus on what might exist in the afterlife I think many of us forget to appreciate what we were given in this life too. I guess I'm being cliched and saying that we should all stop to smell the roses.

-Another thing I have learnt this week is that I really have to work on my patience. I have been so short tempered all week and I really don't like that about myself. Poor James has been fretting so much about his exams and it has taken all my might not to snap and tell him to be quiet. All the poor guy needs is some reassurance and I feel bad that I have not given it as willingly as maybe I should. Should we consider it training for when I have kids sitting state exams? Lets.

-Speaking of long-term goals. I started doing online tutorials about food and nutrition with www.safefood.eu. . I am in shock. My portion sizes are ridiculous but I think it is a curse that is cast when you start cooking for the man in your life. James could eat for an army and I foolishly have gotten into the habit of doing it to. We are moving to Glasgow next October so I have a time frame in order to sort myself out physically and mentally. Can I do it? Yes I can!

-Speaking of mentally, this week has resurfaced lots of memories of my sister. I think it is because she was in her Leaving Cert year when she died. I think also it is because we are using some of her books to study with. I never before realised how similar our handwriting is/was. Not so much our "good" handwriting but the little scrawls made in the margins. I think the fact that I am looking at her books and am aware I am doing it could be a source of my tetchiness to be honest.
I think about her a lot generally, not all the time but more so in fleeting little daydreams. But this week has been harsh. I have been so aware of silly little things like sisters talking to each other on facebook and things like that. It still causes my chest to hurt and my eyes to sting when the pangs of jealousy hit. I guess that is something that I will have to learn to live with for a long time and while it does get easier, it really does, that doesn't mean it never stops hurting. Though the fact that I have been stalking most of her friends this week also as they too have been to the fore of my mind probably doesn't help matters either!

Anyhoo,
That is all.
My rant is done.
Well done all you Leaving Certs out there and I really hope the rest of your exams run smoothly for you all. x

Comments

  1. hey. this was a really good one. i am grateful for who you are. i know religiously we're different, but i'm pretty sure you're one of the best people i know. i'm sorry about your sister pains. how can i help?

    ReplyDelete
  2. My dear, I couldn't agree more :) The sister pains are ok, it is just better to throw it out there rather than bottle it all up you know. x

    ReplyDelete

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